Confessions of a Teenage Eating Disorder

I'm so annoyed

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:16:58 GMT

I'm so annoyed at some people on the pro ana forums around here. They bitch at me about how I'm not following their exact rules about how I should act on here and I am not understanding about how hard things are. But if you are not pro ana then why are YOU here?

Support?
Help 'recovering'?

If that is the case 'pro anorexia' forums you are the wrong place. You should be in a recovery forum.

I'm sorry but we are all sick and I DONT want to get better. I'm here to help me get sicker. You who abuse me for this idea are just fiddle farting around this urselves. U
Your in complete denial about your own sickness

Sorry for the rant

Not sorry for the oppinon as it is my own and this is my journal

FAIL

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 08:00:17 GMT

Argh

I tried doing that 28 Day Plan, but i failed. i guess writing stuff down and taking note just isnt my thing. i stuck to it, i just never posted.

Plus at the moment im to scared to weigh myself so i dont know if it really worked or not.

Every time i fell light and thin, i get on the scales and ive gained weight. i hate it. Im just so afraid to gain weight, im so scared that im just going to step on the scales and its gonna say 10000000kg

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 10:23:07 GMT

Zomg i did SUPER well

F- 1/2
W- 2/2
E- 2/2
P- 2/2
C- 2/2

1/ 0 (its the first day)/ 9

=) how was everyone elses day????? im gonna try for a perfect 10 tomorrow.

15 June 2009

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 08:37:48 GMT

I left work early today.

So far today ive had

Low cal Hot chocolate 43
Picked at a begal 150

I dont plan to have anything else today....

Need to loose weight

if i reach my goal of loosing 20kg in 6 months im gonna go clubbing in Melbourne for a week.

Day 1

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:56:53 GMT

Day 1 of the rest of my life starts today I'm going to control my life again. I'm going to be perfect in every way

8 June 09

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:46:18 GMT

Argh did ok, Kinda binged. but it wasnt as bad as it was gonna be. I stopped half way

Up and Go     150
Skittles            132
WW Meal        280
Soup               10
Rice                 130

Total                 702

Im gonna do jumping jacks, sit ups and squats for a few hours until i go to bed. I need to work it all off.

Thinspo

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 09:24:00 GMT

A New Dawn

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 08:59:00 GMT

Over the last year i have given up, given up on life and given up on my best friend and life conpanion ANA.

But Thurday night, i was paid a visit and i have fallen deep back into the snow bank

Not too good

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:05:06 GMT

Life is not going to well atm.... im pretty much dying on the inside.

I cant really function much. Im just always tired and sitting around. I hate everything and everyone hates me. Im at work atm and my stomach wont stop growling really loudly.

.... screw this lets just end it.

Empty

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 05:29:22 GMT

I hell dont know how to feel anymore

I dont know what i think of my body. its just kind of .... normal. i can explain. Is anorexia leaving me?

Back to the begining

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 03:46:04 GMT

ZOMG i havent been on here in AGES! i mega missed it- i didnt come on here mostly coz i was scared. Scared that i had been a failure. i went up to 65kg 65!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats insane. i haddent been that big in like a year. ive been fasting on an off for a month. not gone over 500 cals in one day. But still im SCARED to weigh myself. Litterally scared that i will stand on there and it will say 165kg. i feel that big. I can kinda tell ive gone down- i only have 3 chins not 4 chins now. But yeah- its kinda scary. i dont know what to do

If you only knew....

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 06:43:17 GMT

If you only knew the real me. No one seems to know. Lately I seem to get more comments like "are u ok?" " u seem depressed" "whats wrong?".And i just want to fall to my knees and cry. I can control this aymore. i lostlike 5 kg in a week. No one knows my life of metabolisum stimulates, diet pills, laxatives, binging, purging and self sarvation. and im so sick on it. But ts my life and i have to deal with it. I just want this huge burden off my life. i want to go to sleep at night and not worry that i will put on wieght tomorrow. to not worry about what i will eat and wear tomorrrow.

If you only knew about how i get up in the middle of the night to get changed coz i dont think i look nice enough. Even tho no one sees me when i sleep. how i change my underwear 7 times before i leave for work in the morning. How even tho it took me 2 hours to pick an outfit thismorning, then 20 mins of a pep talk to actully walk out of the house, i still think im the ugliest thing out there....

If you only knew my life

Argh.

Sun, 25 May 2008 07:53:43 GMT

weigh like 62.25kg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argh.

Im super obease.

I need to diet badly.

Levlen

Sun, 11 May 2008 06:18:12 GMT

I decided to go on the pill as a just in case. After what happened.... and well it made me fat. I gained nearlly 4kg!!!

Mega depressed. But im slowly controlling again what i eat. its hard but im doing it. Lost like a kilo. So im doing it. Just trying to stay away from junk food and bread. They are killers.

Im really tired. I think im getting sick so im gonna go. ill try posting again soon....

Thinspo for today.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:25:36 GMT

....i think i love you

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:08:55 GMT

After last week, ive basicly spent every second with Zac, he wont leave me alone. Hes "too worried" to let me be by myself. Its kinda cute. So last night we went to hadies party. Zac drunk, i didnt. I kinda looked like i was depressed the whole night, but mostly coz i was still in A LOT of pain from last week. Ive been doped up on pain killers for a week now.

Zac had fun tho. which is all that counts.

We went back to zacs and we like to sit in bed together and be really close. Not sexual or anything, he says i mould perfectly against his body. and im nice to hold. And he starts talking to me, and keeps saying like "your the best thing thats ever happened to me", "without you, i wouldnt even know what id do, "i dont know how you ended up with me, you way to good for me" . He hates to show emotion in front of people. but when we are alone hes so gentle and loving towards me. and i feel the same back. i really do love him.

So its Sunday morning, and every sunday i make Zac breakfast. For the first time this morning Zacs brother, Dave, is up when im making Zac scrambled eggs, bacon, toast with butter, sausages, grilled tomatos.

Dave: What are you doing?
Me: Making Zac breakfast. Want me to make some for you?
Dave......i think i love you

Awww Dave. so easily pleased.

Well i didnt know this could happen...

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:14:44 GMT

Since ive had an eating disorder from when i was like 12. Ive never really developed i dont think. Ive got pretty small boobs. didnt really grow tall. and well i get my period once a year....mabey.

So my new boyfriend and i have been fucking. And because i still wasnt 100% sure i was infertile we still used protection. i also didnt want to try to explain that whole thing to him either

Madeline: Dont worry bout the condoms i dont get my period
Zac: Why?
Madeline: Well i dont eat anything because i hate myself that much. And everything you give me to eat i thow up when your not looking.

But the other day i got really sick. well really sore all over and burning up. i thought it might be food poisioning. but then i passed out. I was at Zacs so being Mauri he freaks out. Dave his older bro comes in and zacs holding me in his arms and screaming shit at him. Dave finally worked out i needed to go to the hospital.

6 hours in the ER later.... i had a baby.... well i had a miscarage. Apparently i was 5-6 weeks pregnet. And because i had been fasting the baby died.....

Good or bad?

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:13:37 GMT

Well today I finally got my APPLE BOTTOM JEANS!!!!.....but they dont fit *cries* im to fat. but its hell motivated me to loose more weight. and its not alot i have to loose. the jeans are around a size 6. and im an 8/10 at the moment. So im thinking 8 kilos. thats how much ill have to loose to get into them.

Lets do this thing!

HOLA!

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:34:53 GMT

Its been a while hasnt it....
im staying over at Zacs tonight. shall be good. i like staying at Zac's coz i nevr have to eat. his family do sit down and have dinner together. they just get what they want, when they want.
So if zac is every like " Hey u want something" i just start kissing him and he sits right back down.

rofl.....

update

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 11:18:19 GMT

-Stats-
Height:155cm
HW:83kg (182 pounds)
LW:40kg (88 pounds)
CW:56kg (123 pounds)
GW1:55kg (121 pounds)
GW2:50kg (110 pounds)
GW3:45kg (99 pounds)
UGW:40kg (88pounds)

Ive lost 8.81 pounds or 4 kg!

So Be It....

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 11:04:33 GMT

Polly from the HBO doc "THIN" died on Feb 8th.

Thin was the first ED movie i ever watched, and i seem to have this closeness with alyssa. She said something thing that made me just sit back and go WOW, she just poured out what i thought about my eating disorder.

"So be it. This is what I really want. This is the one thing that i want so bad I just want so bad. i just WANT to be thin. So if it takes dying to get there. So be it. Atleast I'll get there"

Easter

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 04:46:55 GMT

I did better with easter than i thought!
Being 18, i told mum id be "the easter bunny" for my siblings this year so she wouldnt have to deal, so a week ago i went out and bought these big eggs for my family and bought myself what i thought looked pretty big, but really it was this cute Hello Kitty mug with a smallish egg in it.

So all iv had is an egg that would only be like 65-70 cals, and now drinking hot water outta my mega cute Hello Kitty mug. Thats all im having today.

My Favs

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:28:18 GMT

Happy?

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:22:24 GMT

I believe i find the most happyness in the sucess of my eating disorder. Mostly because its the only thing i have fully achieved. My whole life Ive never dont anything or controlled anything besides my eating disorder. Im happy when im so frail and so cold.

Something so wrong feels so good.

My sensible brain screams "STOP! Your dying!", but its only a muffled wisper compaired to the waves of praise by the other voice, my eating disorder, Ana...

All I want is to be happy...

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 10:46:50 GMT

frickety fuck fuck fuck.
what the fuck did i do.
i was doing so well and then i go and have icecream. it was like 1/2 cup of light ice-cream. but its still like 200 cals.
im such a failure, such a waste of space.
why cant i be thin
i cant do anything right.....